It wasn’t some sort of geek rage over him finally joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe and pushing back the release dates of Thor 3 and Black Panther. It wasn’t about the character getting recast. No, this was at the character himself.
Last night I had a dream that Spidey called me up and asked me to go on vacation with him. That sounded great, but I had a lot to do with a book to finish and another one to edit. He urged me to go with him on this last minute trip and assured me that it would be great. So I agreed to accompany Spider-Man on vacation, but where were we going?
Santa Barbara! He said we could go sleep on my aunt’s couch for free. “You asshole,” I told Spider-Man. “My aunt has been dead for years. And even if she wasn’t, you can’t just go mooch off some poor old lady without an invitation.”
Then he suggested San Francisco instead. Hmm, well. I’ve only been able to pass through San Francisco before and not really enjoy it, so that sounded fun. I agreed, but said I’d need to make arrangements so my cat would be fed while I was gone. “No, no, no,” Spidey insisted. “We need to go right now.” GEEZ, SO PUSHY. I stuffed some clothes in a bag and went to the airport to meet with him, figuring I could call my mother on the way to care for my cat. Except my phone was broken. Ah well, I’d borrow Spidey’s.
We took a redeye flight to San Francisco, where I quickly discovered that Spidey didn’t even bring a phone. Or money to rent a car. Or money for a hotel room. Or food. And then he began pouting and throwing fits because San Francisco wasn’t full of skyscrapers like New York, so he couldn’t web-sling his way around. He was going to have to walk. Like a peasant. Ugh.
Also he refused to take off his costume and walk around like a normal person, so people were staring at us the entire time.
I found a cute little Italian restaurant to get an early lunch at and figured I’d be nice and buy Spider-Man something to eat, since he was too stupid to bring any money. I borrowed our server’s phone to call my mom about my cat while we waited for our food. When I got my mom on the phone, she was flipping out because no one could contact me with my phone broken and she said that Spider-Man had changed our tickets so that the flight back wasn’t for SIX MONTHS. And then I woke up.
Let that be a lesson to you. Oh, sure, he seems all quippy and fun at first, but Spidey is definitely not a good vacation buddy.
(Okay, this may have been my subconscious trying to express exactly how not impressed I am with Spidey joining the MCU and messing up release dates.)
((But I’m also super excited about the chance to get Spidey involved in the Civil War plotline and have a movie version of him get to hang out with Steve, Tony, Natasha, etc. Argh. Conflict.))